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Negotiate with a Child or Give Orders?
By Carol Fisher
When I was a child, my parents would tell me what to do and, of course, what not to do. There was rarely any negotiation like, if you go to bed quietly, then you can go to the park tomorrow. What happened was I went to bed quietly or I got a strong telling off from my mother. This was back in the early 1950s when the saying "Spare the rod and spoil the child" was a favourite. I must say here that I was rarely smacked but it did happen occasionally. It was usually a quick slap and never with an implement. There was an advantage in this upbringing. I always knew what was right and what was wrong. I learned to eat politely at the table at a young age and could be taken to friends and relatives homes and relied upon to behave well. Nowadays I notice that parents often negotiate with their kids. "Eat your lunch and then you can watch In the Night Garden on TV this afternoon." Maybe it's "Stop jumping on the furniture and we'll get your paints out so you can paint a picture." I have to say I find this negotiation a little odd. Maybe it's because it sounds more like bribery than negotiation to me. My instinct would be to say, "Eat your lunch or you will have to wait till teatime before you have anything else to eat." This seems logical to me. I am pointing out that eating lunch is in the child's own interests. I would be prepared to follow through, though, which is to remove the plate with uneaten lunch and make the child wait till teatime for something else to eat. As for 'negotiating' over something that is just plain against the rules - I wouldn't do it. "Stop jumping on the furniture" would be an order not a negotiating point. I think it's essential to explain that the furniture could be broken or spoiled by jumping on it but that's a discussion for after the activity has stopped. I believe adults have a duty to give children secure guidelines, to teach them the acceptable way to behave. It's as much a part of bringing up a child well as making sure they grow up eating the right food. This way they grow up socially healthy. They have also learned why social and other rules are in place. |
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We send our children to school, and they have guidelines that have few negotiating points. They don't throw their coats and school bags in the middle of the floor at school.
Parents aren't helping, if the child does this at home.
Thank you for sharing.
Best wishes.
Frederick
I wonder if this bribery bit is what is responsible for the behaviour of kids that respond until they get what they want then go off and do as they wish?
Every relationship is like a universe with its own laws and what is appropriate in one family is often not appropriate in another.
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This intel was contributed by stazjia
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May, 2012
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